One More 2016 Election Column

Nov. 8, 2016 — a date that will live on in history books for ages to come; the date that ushered in one of the most consequential decisions of our time. Nov. 8, 2016 — the date pot became legal in Massachusetts.

Wait, what? Trump won?! Oh god, I need a joint.

First he won Ohio, and I did not speak out — because it was just Ohio, and everyone knew Pennsylvania was the real deal, not Ohio. I mean, chill out guys, the night is young!

Then he won Florida, and I did not speak out — because, well, it’s Florida. I figured they’d shape up once the bath salts wore off.

Then he won North Carolina, and I did not speak out — because, honestly, what with all the bathroom stuff, I hadn’t actually realized that was a swing state. It is?

Then he won Pennsylvania and, according to The New York Times’ election forecast, there were no states left that could speak for me.

Donald Trump is going to be our next president. On Jan. 20 of next year, he will place his left hand on the Bible (one of those pocket-sized ones I’m guessing, so his hand looks normal) and take the oath of office as “Heil to the Chief” plays in the background.

How did this man win? Well, it became clear that the America in which you and I live is not the whole picture. Outside of what we know is another America. Well, there’s South America, but that’s not what I mean. I mean the other America, where people are frustrated with the country’s direction, even if they’re not exactly sure what that is. They feel overlooked and slighted by Our America, which considers them a worn-out fossil of America’s past best seen from the window of an airplane headed toward Coachella.

And they express their frustration by voting for a departure from the norm, Donald Trump. And let me say, as an educated, socially-conscious liberal who understands that you can’t simply throw hatred at entire classes of people, I can’t believe how stupid and evil the entire South and Midwest are! Don’t those hateful, slack-jawed hillbillies have half the compassion and respect that I have?

The election that was being heralded as the GOP’s potential death knell turned out to be its strongest hour. Republicans now control the White House, the Senate, the House, state legislatures, and I think they now legally own your dog. Sorry.

How do you proceed in Trump’s America? Well, the way I see it, there’s only one option: keep moving forward. Further. Further. A little more. See the airport now? Toward that. A little more. Almost there!

Jokes aside though, we don’t quell this populist wave by trying to hate those involved into submission — that’s what got us into this mess. We must recognize that not all ideologies different from our own are morally reprehensible, and even when a policy comes along that is on its face hateful, many of its supporters likely are not. What we need is love and dialogue. And memes of Obama and Biden, lots of those.

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